Inner peace..........................

Listening to my radio talk show yesterday I heard a woman (Martha Beck) talking about the need to burn through one's own personal ring of fire in order to reach a place of calm and inner peace.

What she was referring to is the fact that one has to deal with the junk, peel away the layers of hurt and pain, stop the negative thoughts, etc... to get to the place where one is living the life they were meant to live.

Running has really helped me to tackle this task. Though the world would never guess, I have nurtured a pretty beat up self-esteem for most of my life. When things would turn out well, there was always that nagging feeling of, "it won't last," or "How'd you manage to pull that one off stupid? Watch, they'll catch on to you." When things went poorly, well, wasn't that what I expected and deserved?

This is not the blog in which to delve into the reasons why I had those feelings, but to celebrate the gift that running has become.

When I say I started running 2.5 years ago, that is not the whole truth. There was another period in my life when I took up the sport. It was back in my late twenties and I was going through my first divorce. Back then, three miles was a huge amount, and fifteen miles a week reason to celebrate (with sugar being the host, guest of honor, and main course, of course). I even entered a few 5K races, "for the T-shirt" don't ya know. So why didn't the running stick and become a part of my life back then? I have not thought about these runs (or races) in years, but I think the main reasons I quit were the same reasons other things have left my life. I didn't believe in myself, and I listened to the negative records in my head.

One thought I can remember clearly, as if it were yesterday (come to think of it, I did have it yesterday only with a higher weekly mileage total), "I am running fifteen miles a week and I still have fat thighs." What a bitch I was to myself back then. I let that thought fester until it became the focal point of my desire, and when it didn't materialize I blamed myself and threw in the towel. I wasn't a runner. Heck, I was some out of shape, loser who couldn't even keep her husband from straying, how was I ever going to keep up with those thin, in shape people at the front of the pack? And if I couldn't keep up, what was the point in trying. Funny how my sofa, potato chips, and chocolate ice cream understood me and made things all better. Before long I was spending a fair share of my time with them and my enemy, running, was all but forgotten.

So what that it took me twenty years to discover what running was really offering all those years before? That is the great thing about the universe, it offers to us what we need but we always have the choice whether or not to use it, and we always get a second chance when we are ready. It might have taken me twenty years to burn through my ring of fire (IE...negative thoughts and feelings) and come to discover the peace that accompanies a two hour run, the joy of showing up (still more comfortable at the back of the pack, but that's okay), on race day, and the huge sense of accomplishment these last two years of running has given me as I reach one goal after another, but the important thing is that I did it. I found it, it is mine, and I am not giving it back. I am, however, VERY willing to share it with you if you want!

P.S.
My run yesterday consisted of running to the bank and back which is about three miles round trip.